The Need for Motivation (Intro)

There are many things I really want to happen in my life. I always keep my options open in order to at least reach one of those goals. I see myself as a teacher, a journalist, a photographer, a writer and a professor. But it seems that my brain got worn out because I’ve been hanging out in school for the last 20 years. It has come to a point where my drive to move on got lost.

In this blog, I will try to find the source of this attitude, how bad has it affected me in many aspects and what solutions should I consider in order to get back on the road and start sprinting to a future which I demand so badly.

Life is Study

A very special friend of mine told me that “Life is study”. I absolutely agree with it yet at first, I find it to be no more significant in my life other than the fact that a treasured friend of mine, whom I haven’t been hanging around with for more than 7 years, told it to me as if it’s some kind of absolute truth that defies anything else and it doesn’t matter if it goes against it or not.

Years later, I find myself living in a world where everything seems unusual. One of the things I never dreamed about which became reality is my fondness with literature, philosophy and learning in general which I thought is a good thing. Through this endeavor, I tried to figure out how to create theories, to tell stories, to be an ordinary person who is cool, cheerful and outgoing. Yet as I developed certain skills and accumulated so much knowledge, I ended up becoming so paranoid about things that don’t go well in this world and for myself. I would stay in my room with nothing else to do but reflect, think and read books which I collect and store in my personal library rather than hangout with friends and have long chats and intimate exchanges. I indulged myself with all the protection and comfort that this would can provide me. But this phrase made me rethink once again about what I have become and where have I gone so far in life.

I feel so hurt these days because after so many years of working hard in school and at the workplace, I don’t believe that I’m set for the real world and it seems that my life is going to fade away if I don’t do something to become once and for all involved with my dream career, to find good friends who will be patient with me as I step on hot waters, to come back to my special friends to give them my sincere gratitude and appreciation for the things they taught me, to be able to help out my family in our quest towards living a comfortable yet dynamic life, and to keep myself filled with good self-esteem, discipline and with the ability to have strong convictions, to be able to draw things from my life experiences, to relate a lot with what I read and listen to everyday and to value thoughtfulness, respect, honesty, patience, and kindness.

I reflected throughout the past 25 years of my life and I wondered whether if I did treat life as a learning experience – it’s one of the interpretations I made out of that phrase. I also wondered if I thought of every moment in my life with my family, friends, my work, my studies and my hobbies as an endeavor that is to be cherished and at the same time preserved using my own strength, intellect and motivation. Being at this stage in life, I asked myself if there is still hope, if there is still another chance. I remembered that God and my faith in Him dwindled for quite a while but now that I’m willing to fulfill His plans for me, I wonder if it’s going to be an easy task for Him to do – well nothing’s impossible with God, that’s something that I want to strongly believe in.

But that phrase “Life is Study”, as I start to understand it once more, showed me the value of life. I’m starting to learn little by little my firm resolve because of this short but powerful phrase. It shows that life is not easy, that taking risks is very important towards my journey in understanding life, and most of all, that it does not serve oneself, but everyone who is dear to us.

Life is Study.

The Scent of My Youth

This morning, I felt like resting on the couch and watching TV for the entire day. It’s quite a normal Tuesday morning, but suddenly I smelled a certain type of laundry detergent that reminded me of my youth back in my native country, the Philippines. Back in those days, my mom would always do the laundry in the weekend and what I pretty much do at that time is just watch TV and take it easy after a long week of studying and socializing with classmates.

I suddenly tried to remember what was it like during the weekends in my youth. I recalled the times when I wanted to go to a friend’s house to play games. We played “house” and I think I forgot if my role back then was the father or the son. Sometimes because my family and I always go to church on Sunday morning, I get to play “church” with my friends too. I think I used my mom’s scarf and drew crosses on it so that I can wear it as a stole just like what the priests are wearing in mass. It’s awesome to know that I experienced a life along with my friends where we essentially imitated the real world.

Also, we went to the mall during the weekends. I was just a normal kid that time who likes toys and stuff that are fun. It was also at that time when I was aware of what my mom likes to buy and the funny thing is, it drilled to my mind that what she buys is what all women buy – rather than what all mothers do. I remembered at one time, we were going to the department store and she would ask us to just stay beside her while she’s choosing and picking up clothes that she wants to try out and buy. I was absolutely bored in those times. The only places where I would really enjoy my time would be in the bookstore, in the arcades, the food court and the toy store.

Because of that experience, I never found myself wanting clothes but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a really bad sense of fashion since the clothes that I wear don’t make me look bad in any way. Until now, I still detest department stores. I look at clothes but I don’t stay that long in one place just to see which ones fit me or which ones I really want to buy. I just look at the design, and if I like it, I look for the size that fits me and I just jet for the cash register. But whenever I’m thinking of what gift to give, rest assured that most likely it won’t be clothes. I don’t know how to pick clothes for anyone in any situation or any occasion. And people might be thinking about what if I have a girlfriend which is something that I’m not really engaged with at this time.

But you know what, these moments frozen in time really made me reflect upon my maturity at present. Currently, I am a university graduate. And it is because of this that I needed to see what is important in life and doing what I believe is a boring endeavour is one of them. Reading text – compared to reading comics – was an activity which I never took seriously during my childhood all because it’s a boring thing; but this one’s for another day.

Other than that, the scent of my youth woke me up to the present where everything is fast-paced and the present is something way distinct from my youth from the fact that I’m living in Canada, getting close with a different set of friends, working to earn money, I can see the comparison between the past and the present and it’s what creates colour to my life in general.

Sleepy

Sleep is something I am always looking forward to in life. For more than 7 years now, I have been working part-time as a night clerk in a grocery store. I’m working there just to get tuition and expenses as I entered my post-secondary life in a community college and later on in a university. It’s really hard to find sleep because I often schedule myself regularly every week from 11pm and for the next 8 hours, I couldn’t do anything but just work without dropping to the floor or giving up on the work and settling for my bed. It’s an awful sacrifice I tell you.

TO BE CONTINUED…